FanJam is my new jam: Why I jam

This post is about jam! FanJam, even. In short, I've been making jams. To be specific, three different types to start with: rhubarb ginger, peach cinnamon bourbon, and pear cinnamon chocolate. People have been asking me what led to the jam making, and the answer is a combination of things which, in a roundabout way, led to this post. Let me state right from the outset that I've never really eaten jam. I like Craig's red plum jam, and that's about it. But it's not about the eating of it for me, it's about what it means, or what it gives me.

1. The main reason I decided to try my hand at jams is that it helps with depression. It is my distraction toolkit. When I finally acknowledged that I needed to talk to a counsellor about depression I realised how much I'd given up over time. All of the things I'd used to enjoy I had, little by little, stopped doing them, or found ways of getting out of doing them. What happened then is another story altogether (natural remedies (that made me feel worse than ever), a gratitude diary (that made me feel resentful, instead)), catching up with friends I'd stopped seeing (only to find I wasn't ready for that step, yet, and it made for a very anxious and angsty time), and from there to a doctor and meds), but the outcome is that the meds gave me a sense of evenness for the first time in years. It wasn't all about emotional extremes (most of which seemed to involve feeling flat, empty, tired, and overwhelmingly sad all of the time). But it brought about another round of intense emoting. It left me asking family, friends, and my doctor "When you've spent the last few years being afraid of your own shadow, and you now have that even keel back, what do you fill your life with?" A very wise friend said something along the lines of "You start to do the things you used to enjoy that you now miss. OR you do the things you've always wanted to do." And that - that? Got me thinking. One of the things I discussed with my counsellor was activities that you could use to keep yourself busy for roughly 15-20 minutes - things that also made you feel good. I'd tried various things that my counsellor and various friends and family members had recommended, but I felt like nothing worked for me. If there's one thing I've learned about depression it is that it's incredibly personal. One person's experience isn't exactly like another's, a lot of it is about finding what works for you specifically, so it makes a kind of sense, then, that your distraction toolkit would be exactly like that - a mix of things you've cobbled together over time that works for you. And something about jam clicked, and for the first time in years I am focused. On jam. It might sound weird, it might even sound like such a small and inconsequential thing, but I am starting and completing jam recipes when I have a hard time finishing books or remembering what task I'm meant to be doing from one minute to the next. I am excited about the potential of jam (the smell of it, the taste of it, the combination of flavours, that people might enjoy eating them) when I haven't been able to see the potential of anything (I lost my ideas mojo for ages) in far too long. I look forward to creating my own jam recipes when, most days, I'm deeply disappointed I wake up. It takes me out of my head, and for that I am grateful (so much so that my old gratitude diary that I hadn't updated since October 2014 is now my Jam Ideas notebook. I AM GRATEFUL FOR JAM.

2. I enjoy every part of the activity of jam making - the hunt for recipes to play with, deciding what kinds of jam I'd like to make (not the kind of stuff I can buy at my supermarket - I want unusual, I want slightly decadent, I want non-traditional, otherwise I may as well buy them from the supermarket), what fruits I'd enjoy, what spices or alcohol I'd like to mix them with (would those flavours work together? Would they cancel each other out? Would one overpower the other? Is it subtle? Is it strong? Does it have a sneaky kick to it?), what jars I'd like to use, whether or not I want to share them with people. All of this flicks through my head while I'm pondering what to make. I ENJOY SOMETHING. It's been a while since I felt that.

3. They taste yum, and they kickstart ongoing conversations. It makes me feel kinda good to see that people enjoy them, even if they are initially disconcerted about the mix of flavours that, traditionally, they feel wouldn't belong on a sandwich or toast - but that's the other half of the fun, isn't it? Finding things to put them on, and the talks that brings about are yet another unexepected facet of jam making). Friends and family are sharing how they're using the jams. One sibling tried the peach cinnamon bourbon as a topping for her bacon/egg/red onion sandwich. One of our Mr4's tried the rhubarb ginger on icecream. The other Mr4 wondered if the pear cinnamon chocolate swirled through porridge would be good. I'm contemplating a Pina Colada jam on shrimp.

4. I have a very clear and distinct jam memory that makes me happy! I was gran's jam assistant. My gran was bedridden towards the end of her life, and as a diehard tv fan, her bed was in the lounge. I'm not entirely sure if those two things really are related, but in my head they are forever inextricably linked. (I have lots of memories of watching episodes of Prisoner, Days of our Lives, The Young and the Restless, wrestling, and ballroom dancing with her. I'm pretty sure my love of terribad tv comes from gran). She had a little two element gas stove that would sit on the floor by her bed, and she'd make jam on it. As her assistant I would fetch, and carry, and mix and, generally, be her hands. Gran was a grumpy, sour faced, and abrupt woman who could curse like a sailor (she taught me how to do that, too), but she was good to her mokopuna. (Except for the time she called my sister Jaq a bastard, and Jaq told mum who told her "Some of the biggest bastards I know are married," which led to Jaq telling gran that our mum said gran's a bastard. FUN TIMES!).

So there you go. A longwinded explanation for why I jam (heh) when I could've said "Depression. Distraction. Enjoyment. Yum. And good." Sorry 'bout it. BUT this is why FanJam is my new jam. (I jokingly call it FanJam because I'm a diehard fangirl BUT I'm sitting here writing this while watching Supernatural and wondering what jam I'd make that represented the characters, or my feels about the show, or that matched Teen Wolf and Derek Hale's thumbholes sweater OMG EXCUSE ME WHILE I EAT MY FEELINGS WITH JAM, OKAY? OKAY).

3 things I've noticed about myself now

Recently, I participated in a work planning and performance course, and realised a few things about myself as a result. Mostly, that I have changed quite a bit in the last 10 months. These are not sad things. They are just things.

1. I'm not passionate about anything, anymore, and I used to be. Once upon a time I had firm opinions about the place of books and literacy in libraries, and I would have sweary thoughts about how libraries use social media, and I very much believed that there was a huge difference between 'leaders' and 'managers'. But then sometimes I had feelings about brands of chocolates, and the best ratio of jam to peanut butter on bread, so maybe "passion" is overrated. One thing I do know, though, is that these days I don't have a motivator. There isn't anything that "inspires" me to get up in the morning and give my best all of the time. I get up out of habit and self-will. But I am getting up.

2.  I have the best work/life balance I've ever had. Ironically, I've never been less engaged in work. It is just a job. Once, that would have worried me. Now, I'm finding that it's okay, and it very likely makes me normal. It doesn't mean that I don't give the job everything I've got while I'm there. I do, because I have a very strong work ethic. But I leave it there when I go home at the end of the day. It's my new thing.

3. Working in libraries used to be a vocation for me. I truly thought that it was what I was called to do. I think I did well. But it doesn't define me, any more. Nor do I let it consume me. I'm still figuring out what the next step will be. And that's okay, too.

 Overall: I'm doing okay.

Top 3 books with unusual titles I'm reading/will be reading

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”
  ― Mark Twain

I have an absurd fondness for unusual book titles. I blame my parents, and Gerald Durrell. My parents blame my odd sense of humour. Which, quite frankly, is the pot calling the kettle black. Whichever it is, titles like The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society and The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time are the Betty Crocker's chocolate icing on the cake that is my life. (I've never believed that you can't have your cake and eat it, too, because what is the point of cake otherwise?).  While I'm on the topic of Haddon's The Curious Incident..., I saw the movie of the play of the book (yes, stop and think about it, it's a little bit meta, really) on the weekend with friends (in Newmarket at the Rialto). FTW! I'll post about that at some point later next week. Today's post is a simple collection of 3 somewhat unusually named books that I'm in the middle of reading OR have on my to-be-read list. Go me.

Please note: I'm not reviewing these, simply listing what I'm going to read/am trying to read. After almost two years of not being able to focus enough to read (let's not even talk about the nausea and headaches that used to cause. That should have been a sign that something was off-kilter, but when the doctor suggested depression I seriously told him "I don't have time to be depressed! It must be something else!"), I'm taking it a day at a time just re-discovering books, and finding what I like. One day, I might actually review something. But for now, this works for me.

While I'm on the topic of unusual book titles, tell me the weirdest ones you've read! And check this list out but, be warned, it's NSFW (not safe for work). Or humanity, really: Humorous, Strange, or Downright Shocking Titles (Goodreads list).

The last 3 clear things I remember before life got crazy

1. 6 October 2012 in Toronto. This date is important. As is the place. It was the last time I remember feeling truly happy, settled in my own skin, excited about family, work, and life in general. I had plans of taking up music again, upskilling my French enough to look at a holiday in Paris, and making a serious resolution to work less and find a hobby for the first time in years. My last 3 clear memories before life was just tiredness and sadness all lead back to 6 October 2012 in Toronto.

2. The last book I remember reading and genuinely enjoying was The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. If "enjoying" is the right term. I remember picking it up on sale at Indigo and lazily thinking "Hmm, could be a good read." I read most of it overnight under my blanket while using my phone as a flashlight. I cried like my heart was breaking, and Natalie slept unmoving in her bed on the other side of the room. I remember being so desperately careful not to wake her with my sobbing. (It wasn't until the next morning I realised that she had slept with headphones on and that my worry was for nothing). I got up the next morning, showered, dressed for the day, and finished it off. I had moved the divan so that I sat with the curtains open, sun shining on Toronto, traffic piling up below, and me sitting with my feet tucked up under me. It was a good time to be free.

3. I remember being back at home two days after my return from Toronto, sitting around in pyjamas, moodily staring out the window feeling dissatisfied, and unhappy with everything. After years of having a fairly solid idea of who I was/where I was going, suddenly I didn't have either - no purpose, and no meaning.

These are the last 3 clear things I remember before life got crazy.

Top 3 books I'm reading this month (ostensibly for book club but really just because)

“What's the point of having a book club if you don't get to eat brownies and drink wine?”
― Jami Attenberg, The Middlesteins

So, I left my last job, did a bit of contract work, found out I had chronic fatigue and depression and cataracts (yes, I'll be blogging about those, too, at some point), slept for 5 months, got bored, decided to see if I still had much love for libraries, and found I did. At least until the next big adventure beckons. Which means what, for you? Basically, that I'm back blogging and invading all of your online spaces. Who could ask for anything more? (Rhetorical question. Don't answer). Here on the blog, I'll be posting lists in threes about things geeky, fangirlish, bookish, etc, for two reasons: 1) at the heart of everything I love lists and 2) because I can. Basically.

I'm back in libraries on the front desk recommending books like a fiend and, for the first time in a long time, one of the things I have time for is joining a book club. To be specific, Manukau Library's Book Chat (more info here). And these are the top 3 books I'm reading for our next get-together. Comments, as always, are more than welcome. Let's get to it!